Transcending Childhood Trauma

So called "adult children" of dysfunctional households share certain characteristics. Can can see yourself in the tendencies listed below? If so, it may be a time to "heal the child within" so you can finally create the life and relationships that you desire! Don't forget to breathe as you read this list, as the traits described below can be painful to read. We will go on to explore how to deal with and heal from these behaviors:

• Feeling that you are always waiting for "the other shoe to drop," feeling that you are constantly "on edge," "walking on eggshells," or "hyper-vigilant"
• Marrying or becoming a person with addictions or compulsions of your own (cleaning, working, picking, drinking, drugging, watching Netflix, you name it)
• Tending to be on the lookout for reasons not to trust those close to you, as well as distrusting your own behavior 
• Having difficulty discerning healthy from unhealthy behavior in those around you
• Expecting abnormal rather than normal behavior, expecting things to be unpredictable and chaotic
• Experiencing difficulty setting appropriate boundaries with others, taking on too much, which makes you feel resentful, or saying "no" to everything, even when it could be beneficial
• Keeping your true self, feelings, or inner experience hidden, keeping your guard up
• Overreacting when you didn't mean to, feeling easily set off or triggered

Childhood abuse and neglect is traumatic and can result in a condition called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What we know about psychological trauma is that it is a normal reaction to abnormal events. It makes sense to develop these strategies to survive growing up in a tumultuous family system. However, as adults, these behaviors can keep us from living the lives that we desire- but they are not terminal!

We can "heal the child within" as adults. Like anything, it takes time and practice but it's definitely do-able! First, we have to recognize what's happening- we're stuck in the past trying to fight, flight, or freeze our way out of conflict with our current partner. Then, we can realize that we're actually safe, now- unless we're in an intimate partner violence situation, which is entirely different and you can read more about here. Finally, we can center or ground ourselves and choose to work towards our healing in the form of a new response.

For example... When your partner triggers you and you instantaneously feel like a scared and angry child who wants to shut down, rage, or run away (your partner is a good source of feedback if you're not sure how you come across), you can notice this old pattern, take a break, and come back when you're ready to talk about it. Together with your partner, you can distinguish the past from the present by having a conversation about what happened and creating new solutions in the here-and-now.

I know, I know. Easier said than done! It's true that this is deep and life-changing work that takes time and effort. There is a lot that goes into it. Learning how to notice what's happening in the moment, how to self-sooth, and how to effectively communicate your experience to your partner are all skills that require training and practice. I keep the following tools in my counselor's toolbox to assist clients with this empowering work:

• Mindfulness
• Non-Violent Communication
• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
• Trauma Treatment

If you are an "adult child," know that you're not alone. Hope and healing are most definitely possible! Counselors such as myself are here to assist you and there are free and confidential 12 step groups in the community, as well. Only you will know what's right for you. As always, I am wishing you only good things. Until next time, be well!