Am I approaching, attacking, or avoiding? Am I uniting or untying things, right now? Use these questions to help you turn a difficult moment into an opportunity to create a happier life. Whereas fighting against things tends to only make them worse, skillfully turning toward an uncomfortable emotion, interaction, or sensation not only helps dissipate the uneasiness but brings us closer to ourselves and others, as well. This might sound counterintuitive but watch how it works!
Think of a time you felt frustrated with someone else. Did you approach the person with curiosity, compassion, and openness toward their experience- an honest desire to understand them Or, did you go on the defensive, turning a cold shoulder (avoiding) or offering only criticism in return (attacking)- ether way, shutting down? The type of self-defense illustrated in the latter examples is understandable yet how often does it really result in getting what we truly want from each other?
Getting clear on what you really need and want the outcome to be and what the other person needs, as well, by turning towards them in your words and actions is much more likely to get your needs met.
Say, I've upset you by asking you to do something that you don't want to do. In response, you do what a lot of us do and go along with the request despite resenting it (and me) or protest by avoiding it or going on the defensive. Neither option feels great in the long run. I may keep asking you to do thing you don't want to do. We may keep quarreling about it. But, what if you got curious with me, asking more about my desire for you to do this thing and sharing more of how you really feel about it? Then, we might get to the heart of the matter and grow closer as a result.
We all want to be really heard and seen. We all want our needs met. We're all only human. It can be scary for all of us to do this- to let down our guard a little more- but how else can we expect others to know who we really are?
We can start by taking accountability for ourselves. What am I feeling? What do I need, right now? Maybe I'm feeling unappreciated and need some acknowledgement. Maybe you're feeling overworked and need a break. We'll never know until we get curious about it. If I can tell where you're coming from, I'm more able to respond compassionately. If you show understanding, it tends to de-escalte a tense situation. You're the best possible person to attend to yourself.
When you're hurting, feeling angry, or uncomfortable, it's a great time to get curious. This is when you really need your wise mind. Stop. Turn toward your experience. Open to what's happening within you in this moment. What do you notice in your body and mind? Perhaps, tension or self-doubt? Observe how the intensity of whatever uneasiness you were feeling fades when you turn towards it in this way. And, notice your ability to create a happier life each time you give yourself your own wonderfully accepting, curious, and compassionate attention...
This is how we truly get to know each other. Below the avoidance, attacking, and other reactions, we're all only human- as eager to be understood as anybody else.
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” ~Author Unknown~
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