What to Say When Someone Comes Out

When a friend or loved one comes out to you as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, it can bring up a lot! You want to react in a supportive way but aren't sure how, you have your own questions or concerns about what it means, and you may be surprised- to name a few possible inner reactions. Not to worry. 

Someone wants you to know them better and trusts and values you enough to take this step to being more open with you. Breathe that in. It's a good thing that someone wants to be seen for who they are in your eyes! 

Here's how to respond in a way that is accepting and supportive:
1. Be a matter of fact. A gentle nod, smile, or other nonverbal response of acknowledgment works great. This conveys that people can be themselves with you without having to "take care of" you- or your over-reactions. 

2. Be appreciative. Follow up with a quick, "Thank you so much for sharing that with me" and move on. This communicates that you value the opportunity to know them better but leaves them in control of how much they choose to share with you.

--> These ideas are offered with the idea that the person coming out to you is a friend or acquaintance. If it's someone closer to you, you may want to make your interest and acceptance in the person more explicit with a phrase like, "I want to know more" or "Tell me more." And, directly sharing that "I love you no matter what" never hurts. :)

It can also be useful to look at what not to do.

These reactions, whatever the intention, are hurtful:
1. Offering doom and gloom. "That's the worst thing you could have told me. I would have rather you said you were _____." It's important that your worries and fears be worked through but process them later with someone else.
2. Questioning the person's identity. "Well, I don't think you're _____. Are you sure?" The time to contemplate your questions is not with this person.

Remember, if things don't go as you'd hoped or planned, there will always be another chance to talk. The most important thing is to be your self- just as your friend is doing with you! 

I hope that you found this post helpful. Thankfully, we're not defined by any one response at any given moment in time. Rather, we share ourselves slowly through many interactions over time as we grow and change together. No one's as simple as a stereotype- including you!

Why Women and Trauma?

"Why do you want to work with women and trauma?" is a question I get asked. In graduate school, a professor once said, "I could never work with victims (of intimate partner violence)." And, I get it (I think). What I believe people are getting at is that it's tough.

There are easier things to work with than violence against women- but it's many of our reality. So, the questions I'm more interested in answering are: Why is being a woman a risk factor for developing PTSD? *Why do women experience nearly twice the rates of anxiety, depression, and PTSD as men? Where we go from here, I believe, lies in the answer to these and other questions. 

Let's look at the why... According to the Veteran's Administration (VA), half of women will experience a traumatic event. Half. The most common traumatic events in our mothers, sisters, daughters, wives, and friends lives (about one in three of us experience this) are sexual assault and child sexual abuse. Outraged? Good! It's is a healthy reaction to this reality. 

Now, here are 3 things you can do, now, to help channel that anger into a better world:
1. When we say that we or someone we know well as been impacted by violence against women, believe it. Having our experience questioned or belittled from the jump does not build trust and safety. We need to start from a place of inner safety to begin to talk about things.
2. Understand why women are more than twice as likely as men to experience PTSD, anxiety, and depression- and then help change it. The VA suggests women are more likely to blame ourselves. Raising our girls to know their worth and not to take on other people's problems, then, is key.
3. Keep asking questions- but ask effective questions. Instead of: Why didn't she leave? Is it really that bad? Or, why work with women and trauma? Ask: Why do people assault and abuse others?  What can be done about it? And, how can I help the women in my life feel safer?

*The binary view of gender found in my online research and expressed here (limited to women and men) doesn't match many peoples' experience of gender as more fluid; this warrants a longer blog post so check back, soon!

Coping with College Anxiety

Ah, college... A time of working hard and playing hard, learning who you really are as you fall in love, choose a career path, and post selfies on Facebook documenting it all. First "real" relationships, jobs, and other "adult" accomplishments. Striking out on your own and breaking just enough rules to forge a confident stable self-identity... If this description doesn't sound like your college experience, you're not alone. 

College is not the best chapter of everyone's life. In fact, this time of life when many serious behavioral health conditions appear can be the hardest one has experienced. When this is the case- when college is extremely challenging for you- the disparity between where you are and where you feel you "should" be makes things even worse. And, the many mixed messages college students receive about what constitutes the "right" decisions don't help either. So, what's a college student to do? 

First, let's consider some statistics about today's college students. The American College Health Association's Spring 2015 Reference Group Executive Summary, which states that it is "the largest known comprehensive data set on the health of college students," reflects a harsh reality. Consider these figures, describing students' past 12 months:

• 74%, of college women don't feel "very safe" on their campus at nighttime

• 22% of college women and 17% of college men "felt things were hopeless" 

• 22% of college women and 20% of college men "felt very lonely" 

• 48% of college women and 38% of college men reported "academics" had "been traumatic or very difficult to handle" 

• 31% of college women and 27% of college men reported "intimate relationships" had "been traumatic or very difficult to handle"

• 29% of college women and 17% of college men reported "personal appearance" had "been traumatic or very difficult to handle"

Add to this image the statistic that many of us are aware of, that 1 in 4 college women experience sexual abuse or assault (which many allege is an underreport), and you have a pretty grim picture... 

Now, take a deep breath because... there's hope! It gets better! There are things that we can do. Becoming aware of an issue allows you to get help, which means feeling better faster. Sometimes this looks like getting a mental health diagnosis and prescription medications from a psychiatrist. Sometimes it's talk therapy. Counseling is available on and off campus and provides a safe and confidential space where you can discuss what's going on. A primary goal of therapy will be to come up with new skills and confidence that you can take with you in your daily life in the classroom and beyond to live the life you want.

Many counselors, including myself, are here to assist college age clients with:

• social and classroom anxiety 

• body image and self-esteem

• depression and loneliness

• accessing academic support services

• relationship conflict

I also assist clients of all sexualities and gender identities with issues of coming out and other lgbt concerns. 

If college has been difficult for you or someone you know, I hope you will find reassurance in the fact that you're not alone and perhaps for you the best is yet to come. 

Celebrating the B in LGBT!

A lot has been written (like this piece and this piece) about biphobia, lately. And, for good reason! It might surprise folks to know that people who identify as bisexual or bi experience the worst mental health outcomes among people who are lesbian, gay, and bisexual. But, why? Why haven't we heard more about it? And, why don't we know more bisexual folks in our personal and professional lives? 

The answer lies in the fact that people who are bi face a high level of prejudice. The so-called double stigma facing people who are bi includes experiencing social rejection not only from the larger heterosexual society but from within the LGBT community, as well. Common reactions folks experience upon coming out as bi include having their sexuality questioned ("so, you're gay/straight, now?" depending on the gender identity of their current partner) and being labeled as "confused" or even "selfish" for not "making up their minds." Is it any wonder, then, that most of the bisexual community (if we can call such a fragmented invisible group that!) chooses not to come out?

The cost of remaining in the closet is high. We all need to be seen for who we are and our mental health suffers when we cannot. It's traumatic to feel as if who we are is wrong or bad. And, we all suffer when so many of us don't feel safe enough to share who we are with each other. So, what do we do about all this? Let's end biphobia by celebrating all sexualities- especially bisexuality! Because we all want the same thing- to be happy, which involves loving and being loved in return.

When someone comes out to you, trust their words. Respond with a, "thank you so much for sharing with me!" And, even if you don't see many examples of happy, healthy, and out bisexuality out there, trust that you know yourself. I tend to agree with the old saying, "even the most difficult truth is better than living a lie." But, safety comes first. You and only you know how "out" you wish to be. Whatever you decide and to the extent that you are able, I invite you to join in celebrating yourself and others because of who they are. The world is a richer place when we can be ourselves in it.

You're the Mama (of You)!

Only you can birth this baby. You decide what to do when she's sick or fussy once she's here. You're the mama! These words were as scary to me as a new mom as they were empowering; I share them here with you in case you need some inspiration to step up and take care of yourself- after all, you're the mama of you! 

As adults, we can't go back and be re-parented but we can parent our inner child. You decide how you respond to yourself when you're sick and tired, how you take yourself out to play, put yourself to bed, who you spend time with, etc. It's all up to you! Likewise, only you can resist the urge to do harmful things and cope safely with your worst symptoms and situations. It's all you, baby! 

I read an email newsletter about loving your inner child that did a great job explaining this concept in concrete terms. The author, Rick Hanson, writes the following...

Because of experience-dependent neuroplasticity, the things you felt, wanted, or believed as a child have been woven into your nervous system. For example, crying as an infant until someone came, joy at beginning to walk, fun with friends, feeling bad about yourself when scolded about schoolwork, power struggles with parents, wanting your body to be bigger/smaller/different in high school, wondering if anyone will like the real you, the bittersweet excitement of leaving home - whatever your own childhood was, experiences like these have sunk in to you and travel with you every day wherever you go.

Taken as a whole, these residues make up your inner child - which is not a silly cliché, but actually a large-scale system embedded in your brain that continually and powerfully influences your mood, sense of worth, expectations, and reactions. This child inside is at the core of who you are.

The holidays are a great time to practice being the loving parent we all want- someone who is safe, nurturing, and unconditionally loving. I propose you do this in simple ways, like compassionate self-talk, treating yourself to a special gift, making something by hand, weaving a connection with an old or new friend... The list is infinite and it's entirely up to you to discover what soothes your inner little being. You might start by asking how your inner child is feeling and go from there.

I want to leave you with this sweet project, Your Holiday Mom, created to help LGBTQ youth through letters of support, love, and validation but applies to anyone who may not have a safe and welcome spot in their families of origin this season. Be your own holiday mom! 

You deserve only good things and I wish them all to you...

Getting Out of Trauma Mind

Did you know that trauma and anxiety impact the body and mind in similar ways? Feeling helpless and overwhelmed shifts us into what I call the trauma mind, where we see red- or black-and-white. People and events are all good or all bad. We're stuck in the short-term with less than stellar impulse control. Our bodies are primed to fight, flight, or flee. Rest and relaxation are all but impossible.

With practice, we can notice when we're in trauma mind and shift out of it and back into our naturally more restful and restorative state, where we are better able to respond to whatever is going on without those stress hormones washing across the brain. But, how? We can't think our way out of trauma mind. We get out by actively coping- focusing hard on what's not wrong within and around us in the present moment.

Active coping looks different for each of us and can look like...

• Self talk
• Changing environments
• Calling a friend
• Deep breathing
• Focusing on a grounding object
• Moving your body
• Medication

The key is to use whatever helps you get out of the inner distress of your head and into the safety of the present moment, where most likely your survival is not being threatened (as the mind would have you believe). You'll know it when you find it and it gets easier with time. A counselor, coach, or trusted ally can be a great resource when the going gets tough. Hang in there and have faith. You can get out of trauma mind.

Some clues that you're getting out of trauma mind and into wise mind instead...

• Breathing slows and deepens
• Stress related aches and pains lessen
• You can think long-term, delaying instant gratification
• You can see the shades of gray (versus only in black-and-white)
• Self-acceptance comes easier
• Acceptance of others for who they are
• Less need to control, easier to let go

A key ingredient in this process of learning to get out of trauma mind is patience and compassion for yourself when you slip up- and you will! As you learn to respond kindly to yourself, the going gets  a lot easier and more do-able. It may feel like an up-hill battle at first and this is only natural. It's a whole new way of doing things for many people who have been living with chronic high stress.

Affirmations for Birth and Beyond

There are times when we must step into the unknown. Healing from abuse is one of those times. Facing the loss of a loved one is one of those times. Becoming a parent is one of those times. 

A few short weeks ago, when I was preparing to step into the unknown of giving birth, I turned to positive birth affirmations to guide me- and guided imagery to help, too! I want to share some affirmations with you in the spirit of healing that I think also apply to birthing a new life after trauma into being. Both journeys ask us to do something new and it becomes important to befriend our natural human fear of uncertainty to some degree.

Take full advantage of this tool if it works for you! Discard it if it doesn't. 

Affirmations for birth and beyond...

Everything is alright.

Everything is going as it should.

I am a strong and capable woman.

I am safe and sound.

My job is to simply relax and allow the birth to happen.

This is not pass or fail.

The wisdom of all women throughout time supports me.
300,000 other women will give birth with me today.

My mind and body rest easy.

My intuition guides me in the right direction.

I am deserving of a painless, easy, uncomplicated birth.

I am deserving of a peaceful, joyous, pleasurable birth!

I make the right decisions for myself.

I am beautiful in my ability to do this work.

My body and mind know what to do.

I am open to all of the love and support around me.

How I feel matters and I choose to feel safe.

I lovingly release the past.

Only I can give birth to this baby and I accept full responsibility for that challenge.

I am attuned to my wants and needs and voice them freely.

I embrace my inner wisdom.

I give thanks for what is going right.

I accept myself completely, here and now.

I ride the waves of my experience nice and easy.

My courage and patience get me through difficult moments.

I am ready and prepared for the journey.

I have exactly what I need.

My body and mind work exactly as nature intended.

My body is intelligent and will handle all.

In this moment, I let myself be at peace.

I relax my mind and muscles.

I trust my open heart to guide me in the right direction.

I trust my knowing of what is true for me.

I am aware of my balanced calm center.

I put all fears aside and lovingly welcome my experience.

Each step is wise and purposeful.

I can handle whatever comes up.

I deserve and receive all the love and support I need.

What do you think? Of course, we need concrete outer tools for our healing, as well- food, shelter, and medical attention, to name a few- but affirmations can be a powerful support for the inner work. May the spirit of healing be with you!