Healing from Underground Anger

Despite old expectations that men don't cry and women don't get angry, anger is a healthy part of our experience. Yet, it can be very destructive- especially when it is unconscious. Unconscious or underground anger inhibits our ability to think clearly and damages our bodies and minds with stress- even though we might not be blowing up in the traditional sense of the expression.

Has underground anger been a problem for you? See if you identify with any of these patterns.

• Do you have a hard time expressing anger but let it stew unspoken?
• Are you often critical of yourself and others in your thoughts or words?
• Do you tend to beat yourself up after unwanted events?
• Do you deny yourself pleasure, downtime, or relaxation?
• Are you prone to isolating or shutting down when you get upset?
• Has anyone told you that you're too down on yourself?

Anger is equally about imploding- hurting ourselves with judgement, regret, and rigidity- as it is about exploding at others. In my experience, women often experience this internal, just under the surface type of anger. Women are also twice as likely as men to develop depression. Perhaps, there is some truth to the saying, depression is anger that went to sleep.

On the flip side, conscious or constructive anger allows us to stay in touch with our feelings, use our voice in the moment with others, tackle challenges, and promote a more safe and equal world for all. So, how do we make our underground anger into something more useful? First, we have to see it! And, then we have to calm down. With practice, you can notice when underground anger is hijacking your experience and change course to take yourself down a more constructive avenue instead.

Next time you see the red flags of underground anger in your life, try the following:

• Applaud yourself for recognizing this old pattern!
• Remind yourself that getting more mad at this point isn't helpful.
• Instead, take a break. Return when you're calmer.
• Focus instead on a soothing mantra, prayer, or intention.
• Breathe deeply and count your breathes until you calm down.
• If you can't walk away, ground and distract yourself until you can.

Once you're baseline returns to normal, you will be better able to revisit the situation. Anger typically elevates in response to unmet needs so have compassion for yourself for suffering in this way. Reflect on what you're needing and how to go about getting your needs met. You'll be setting yourself up for success by listening to your experience and responding skillfully, rather than running on underground anger.

Healing Transgenerational Trauma

Research is beginning to suggest that "our" experience isn't just "ours" but is handed down to us through the generations in the form of intergenerational memories. Your great-grandmother's specific worries may be felt as your own in mother nature's attempt to keep you safe from threats that were affecting her. What does it mean that our fears, nightmares, and phobias might be hold-overs from relatives before us?

Since I work primarily with women, I am particularly interested in how our grandmothers' and great-grandmothers' experience of violence against women could be impacting us today and what we can do about it. One in four women experience violence from an intimate partner. We can imagine this rate was higher in past years and, remember, it tends to be under-reported. 

Violence against women can result in PTSD the same as war. It follows, then, that he symptoms of psychological trauma in your life could be have been passed down to you from the women in your family. Do you recognize any of these post-traumatic symptoms in your experience?

• Unpredictable thoughts or emotions
• Flashbacks or nightmares
• Strained relationships 
• Physical symptoms, like headaches or nausea
• Poor concentration and memory
• Isolating to avoid triggers 

Transgenerational trauma could explain why many of us are living with anxiety, depression, insomnia, and other issues seemingly unaccounted for by our own personal histories. I share this information to normalize our experience. Many of my clients have experienced these and other symptoms characteristic in survivors of violence against women, such as feeling on edge much of the time or afraid of conflict with men. It can be disorienting to feel these symptoms without understanding where they come from and what can be done about it. 

If our minds are still carrying around our grandmothers' fears, our task becomes that of any trauma survivor- to rebuild a sense of safety and trust in our lives, one action and one day at a time. This is long haul work that requires patience and dedication- but imagine the payoff in terms of your own well being as well as that of generations yet to be born... 

We heal from psychological trauma in two ways- with safe coping in the present and processing the past. Both methods work equally well. A trauma informed counselor, friend, or other healing ally can help guide you in this important journey. Reaching out is an essential part of this work. Especially considering the likelihood that our baggage is bigger than we are, we need each other's help to carry it and leave it where it belongs- safely put away in the past.

I offer the following evidence-based tools to help in the treatment of trauma:

• Transcending Trauma is a group I facilitate at The Banyan Tree Center, where women gather to learn the ins and outs of rebuilding that foundation of safety. This is a present based treatment modality. There is no need to tell trauma stories.
• EMDR is an empowering tool I use with individuals to help process or put away traumatic memories and the related symptoms. This is a past based approach to treatment. Earlier experiences are revisited at a pace that's right for you.

Here are some resources for further reading on the subject of transgenerational trauma:

• Read a BBC news story about research suggesting memories pass between generations. 
• Bethany Webster is a life coach who has written extensively on healing what she calls the "mother wound." 

What would it mean to you to be connected through the memories, stories, and traditions handed down through the generations? Perhaps we each have a powerful role to play, our healing is related, and the more we take care of ourselves, the more we take care of each other... 

What is Woman Centered & LGBTQ Affirmative Counseling?

Woman centered and LGBTQ affirmative counseling is understanding, belonging, and support with awareness of the unique challenges that women and lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer individuals face. I envision communities where we are safe and accepted for who we are, regardless of our sexuality or gender identity; this is the guiding principle of Many Colors Counseling. To this end, I will be at tomorrow's "Back to Cool" event to meet, connect with, and support our community.

I invite you to join in this free community event. Here's a snapshot of my favorite dorm room poster, which can be yours to take home from my booth tomorrow.

Not to mention, I snagged this beautiful rainbow American flag from our very own Junkman's Daughter's Brother earlier this week. Sign up to win it. 

Of course, there will be opportunities to engage. Write a message to a neighbor and take away your own handwritten note from a fellow community member.

I don't claim to be an expert as a young therapist but I do seek to advocate for a happier healthier world. This means getting out of the therapy room and working together, every once in awhile. Have a safe and wonderful weekend and remember...

Grounding and Centering 101

One of my favorite tools to share with people, especially when we're feeling helpless and overwhelmed, is grounding. The curriculum I use for my women's trauma treatment group defines grounding as "detaching from emotional pain." We practice grounding in order to stay calm and be better able to respond to what is happening around us. Grounding, or centering, is a practical skill because it can be used anytime anywhere. The more you practice it, the more your body remembers it. Grounding is not a relaxation exercise or meditation practice. It's closer to useful distraction. I hope the following two examples illustrate the usefulness of this skill.

• Sara, who experienced panic attacks in the past, felt a familiar panicky sensation coming over her while walking to work. She knew from experience that worrying about these sensations would only make it worse. So, instead, she focused on counting her footsteps and on the pavement beneath her feet. This allowed her to ride out her symptoms.
• Terry hated it when people raised their voices but she didn't want her co-worker, who had a habit of raising her voice, to have the power to make her feel hopeless at work. So, when her colleague raised her voice, she focused her attention on the presence of her supportive co-workers and the thoughts, "she's just being herself" and "it's not my problem." 

Ready for a taste? Answer the following questions and notice your experience.

• Mental grounding orients you to time and place. What day is it today? What is the time? Date? Year? What is your current location? What objects are around you in your environment, right now? How many colors do you see? Are there doors or windows around you? If so, how many? 
• Physical grounding shifts your focus to your physical surroundings. Are you sitting down? If so, what are you sitting on? Is it hard or soft? What is its temperature? Select a nearby object and notice everything you can about it- it's texture, color, weight, temperature, size, shape, etc.
• Soothing grounding has do to with creative visualization. What is your favorite song? Sing the lyrics to yourself. Think of a favorite person or animal who brings you comfort. Visualize this being in as much detail as possible. Bring to mind a calm place and what it is like to be there. 

Did you notice your attention shift away from your internal experience as you focused even stronger on your external environment? This is the usefulness of grounding, which can be effective before, during, or after stressful events. To take a common fear, public speaking, think of what it would be like to focus on feeling your feet on the floor before giving a speech, on the audience's desire for you to do well during the speech, and on the comforting words of a mentor or friend afterwards...

Have a grounded day! Who knows, your presence may help to ground someone else. 

7 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

Disclaimer: By difficult, I mean people who have historically been hard to deal with, please, or satisfy. We have all been difficult, at times, and this is not meant to be a terminal diagnosis for anyone. In fact, it is my belief that we can transcend these patterns. It is with this understanding that I write this post.

Everyone has a difficult person in their life. How do I know this? Because we live on planet Earth. Over seven billion of us and counting (if I Googled that right). Have you ever asked yourself, What do I do here? Should I cut my ties with this person? As for questioning whether or not you should stay in contact with a difficult person, only you can answer that- but, whatever you decide, here is some information to get you considering your best coping strategy. I hope it offers some relief from the grief!

• Don't take it personally. You are only responsible for 50% of an interaction. A difficult person's problems with you (their 50%) may not be about you at all- and they definitely aren't all about you. You become a screen upon which their difficulties (fears, pain, sorrows) are projected.
• Have compassion for yourself. Dealing with difficult people is painful (because they are in pain). We need our compassion most when we are suffering. Be kind to yourself- you deserve it!
• Have compassion for the other person. It's hard being a difficult person in this world! Another word for difficult is unhappy. Imagine being in their shoes- and be glad you're not. It can help inspire compassion to imagine them as a young or hurt child. Healthy people aren't difficult. 
• Don't give your power over to a difficult person. It makes no sense to place your happiness in the hands of an unhappy person. Think about it. Ultimately, you must decide your actions.
• Set boundaries. Limit your time with difficult people. Take breaks and deep breathes. Practice the art of distraction. It's all about staying clear-thinking and grounded. Staying in control of you.
• Detach when it makes sense. There is a lot to lose and not much to gain from sharing vulnerable parts of yourself with someone who is unable or unwilling to go there with you. What might be a more comfortable level of sharing? Keep it surface. Keep it light. Keep yourself safe.
• There are no rules, no wrong or right way of doing relationships with difficult people- even if they're family. Remember, you have choices. And, you can change your mind at any time. 

No one's as simple as a stereotype! We can transcend those patterns that have proven problematic. I'm rooting for us 100%! Our time together depends upon it.

Happiness is...

The question, what would I most love to offer? has been on my mind a lot, lately- along with the question, what is there a need for? My passion is helping women create the lives that we desire and I am especially drawn to working with women who are down and have been hurt. This drive comes from my own past and the past of other women I've known. Has there been a time when you've desperately wanted a roadmap to help you feel better? We all want to be happy healthy women, but sometimes the way before us gets murky. How? is a question I hear a lot in my office.

I would like to offer a recipe not only for making it through the day but for crafting a happier healthier life in the process. If this sounds appealing to you, know that these ingredients have been gathered with care. They have been a long time coming. Some of them difficult to grasp. This is no expert's recipe but one that I hope will continue growing more potent through the years. I share it with you, now, because life is short and messy, as you well know, and has a mind of its own. Life doesn't wait for perfection so why should we? Your first tip: you already know more than you think!

Happiness Is...
Knowing that you have a voice and a choice in how you use it.
Saying yes to people, places, and things, that nurture you.
Saying no to people, places, and things that hurt you.
Knowing that you can change your mind at any time.
Freedom from the highs and lows.
Relishing in a calm life.
Knowing who you are- inside and out.
Resisting the urge to follow downward spiraling thoughts.
Following what inspires you instead.
Being thankful for what you have.
Allowing yourself to be loved.
Allowing yourself to cry.
Stopping when something is no longer serving you.
Asking for help when you need it.
Knowing that you deserve love and happiness in abundance.
Sharing your light with others.
Being open to and inspired by life's little signs.
Knowing the signals your body is giving to you.
Responding time and again with kindness.
Celebrating the small things, which are really the big things.
Making something out of nothing.
Learning how to trust yourself.
Accepting the contradictions that are you.
Starting small when you feel overwhelmed.
Not a constant- but sadness isn't permanent either.
Being willing to take reasonable risks.
Understanding that change is often uncomfortable.
Knowing you can handle it and emerge stronger.
Paying attention to how you talk to yourself.
Telling yourself, "I will no longer throw myself under the bus!"
Telling yourself, "I love you and I'm proud of you."
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable in safe ways.
Knowing only good things remain when you let your guard down.
Taking the time to care for yourself by careful planning.
Not taking things personally.
Actively seeking out what makes you happy.
Making your healing the most important thing in your life.
Knowing each of us is on a healing journey.
Knowing you deserve your own time and attention.
Learning to stay with yourself when times are hard.
Learning to stay with yourself when times are good.
Appreciating instant gratification.
Taking the long view in life.
Knowing what's most important to you.
Living your life by putting your values into actions and words.
Forgiving yourself and who you need to forgive.
Accepting your imperfections.
Understanding that we all experience both the good and the bad in life.
Knowing in your heart that you can live a meaningful life.

Finally, add a generous heaping spoonful of doing whatever makes you laugh! This is hard work but you are the best possible person to do it! Be easy on yourself if things go awry. We've all been there. Thankfully, there are do-overs. This recipe isn't set in stone. You can always go back and change it- take something out that doesn't work for you or add something else in. Improvise! You are the head cook in your kitchen. I am rooting for each and every one of us and I wish you every possible success!

Recovery: Many Healing Journeys

No one single method of trauma treatment works for everyone. Rather, the road to recovery is made up of many healing journeys. I use the word "journey" to illustrate that recovery is a process that requires maintenance but gets easier with time. Treatment gives you a roadmap. A therapist can guide you but only you can read the signs and use the tools needed to rebuild a sense of safety in your life.

Treatment methods that have proven track records of reducing trauma symptoms include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and medication. CBT is a form of talk therapy in which you and your counselor work on your thoughts and behaviors. EMDR is a type of experiential therapy that uses a tool called bilateral stimulation or dual attention stimulus to help you desensitize traumatic memories. Antidepressant medications called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors have been shown to be beneficial. As research continues, we will likely add more methods to the list of effective treatments.

The emphasis of trauma treatment has shifted across the board from focusing on processing the past to practicing safe coping in the present. Why? Past and present centered treatments have been found to be equally effective. Revisiting the past may never be needed after finding and using one's best coping strategies in the present. In any case, the past should never be revisited until we have established safety in the present. All effective trauma treatment keeps you in the driver's seat.

One present centered approach called manual-based treatment, in which the therapist draws from a book or manual designed especially for helping people heal from trauma, has proven helpful for 60% of people completing it. Combine this with the folk wisdom that we are more likely to change in a group that believes change is possible and you have two compelling reasons to consider joining a group. However, manual-nased treatment can be done in group or individual counseling formats.

If you find this topic a bit overwhelming, you are not alone. It can be hard to master all of the information available to us today but have faith. Your healing journey is worth it. My invitation is to keep it simple. Be wary of people who promise results with a particular brand of treatment. How could they know what works for you? Try things out, ask questions, take  a break if you want to, and come back when you are ready. Staying the course of your recovery is the hardest and best work you can do.

May your journey be meaningful and your support abundant along the way...

*In the service of being transparent, I offer all of the above evidence-based trauma treatment methods- omitting, of course, medication, as I am not a psychiatrist- and have found each to be helpful for different people. As the song goes, "different strokes for different folks." That's what keeps us adding new tools to our toolkits.